


The Avengers are Potty Mouths

by hernameisgeorge



Series: The Avengers are a PR Nightmare [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Coulson Lives, Crack, F/M, M/M, Not Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Compliant, Post Movie, like thats not even a thing in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-04 22:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1086201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hernameisgeorge/pseuds/hernameisgeorge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers don't censor themselves when they're in battle. Director Fury is not impressed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Avengers are Potty Mouths

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that a lot of the relationships will not be readily apparent until later parts of the series. Those are just all the ones I'm planning on including. I might add to that as I go.
> 
> Also Thor is not actually in this one. He comes in during the next one though.
> 
> The only actual swear word I used in this is 'cocksucker' and I'm incredibly smug about that for some reason.

"Reporters have very sensitive microphones," Coulson said with no preamble, walking into the kitchen in the tower.

The Avengers exchanged glances. "Oh?" Tony asked.

"Yes, they do. And with these very sensitive microphones, they can hear people calling Doctor Doom a cocksucker."

"I stand by that decision," Clint said.

Natasha smacked him upside the head. "So what's the problem? Did the public think we were PG?"

Coulson turned his gaze upon her. "As a matter of fact, that's exactly what they thought. The children anyway."

"Why don't they just bleep it?"

"You may not know this, but a lot of news stations have live coverage of the battles that take place in the city."

Steve winced. "We're sorry, Agent."

"I appreciate the sentiment, Captain, but the PR department has already taken measures to make sure it doesn't happen again." He opened the folder he was carrying and handed each of them a sheet of paper.

"What's this?"

"A naughty word list?" Tony said incredulously. "What are we, children?"

Coulson glanced at him. "Do you want me to answer that?"

He rolled his eyes. "And they seriously think this is going to work?"

"Director Fury does. In fact, he's asked me to inform you that if he catches wind of a situation like this again, this tower and everything in it will go to the Fantastic Four."

Tony hissed. He actually, properly hissed.

"What's so bad about the Fantastic Four?" Steve, poor, naive Steve, asked.

"Nothing really," Bruce said. "Tony just doesn't like them. Especially Dr. Richards."

Clint scoffed. "Can you blame him? Richards is a douchebag. Johnny Storm though..." He fanned himself with his copy of the list.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Coulson said. "Read the list. Learn it, love it, live it."

"Did the PR department tell you to say that?"

"They did."

* * *

Less than a week later, Coulson was back with a new list. "The Director was not impressed with your language and has ordered a new list made."

"But we didn't use any of the words on the first one!" Clint said, reaching a hand out to poke Coulson's butt as he walked by.

Coulson sidestepped him. "You didn't, but this was by no means better. It may actually have been worse."

Bruce thanked Coulson as he handed him the new list. "Wow. Are you always like this? At least the Other Guy limits himself to shouting smash at everything. What's a 'gigantic nipple bottom experiment' supposed to be?"

"Scientists who splice their DNA with a crocodile's, just to see what happens. That's what they're supposed to be," Tony said. "Okay, 'colon diarrhea wiper' was mine, but who came up with 'diaper-wearing butt hole lover?'"

Clint raised his hand. "Guilty."

Coulson smacked him with his folder.

"Why does it just say 'anything in Mandarin' here?" Steve asked. Everybody turned to Natasha.

She rolled her eyes. "Not everything in a foreign language has to be me. Stark was quoting Firefly."

"Oh yeah," he said, fondly remembering it.

Coulson felt the beginnings of a migraine.

**Author's Note:**

> ETA: The original version of this ended very differently, but I had to rewrite it. What happened was that I was using ZenWriter, and I was going to copy the finished product so that I could post it. However, it doesn't let you right click, so I had to use ctrl+c. The C is right next to the V, and as we all know, ctrl+v pastes. Apparently ZenWriter allows you to paste blank space, so I accidentally deleted the whole thing. It also saves automatically, and there's no undo option, so it was just gone. It would've been lost forever, but there was a portion that I had previously written in a word document, so the beginning is the same. Small comforts.


End file.
